lOVE Archives - The Centre For Social Cohesion

14Aug

Mental Health Through Their Eyes

by social@asddlood.com health, London, lOVE, mental health, Politics

Mental health, those two words, carry so much power and yet are so chronically brushed aside by those of us who have never suffered with mental health issues. They carry power for a reason – our entire lives, all our memories, emotions, physical and cognitive abilities are stored up there, within that grey matter resting inside our skulls. To even indulge the thought of conditions impairing these things is undeniably terrifying. Perhaps this is why there’s a lack of understanding and empathy when it comes to mental health, maybe it stems from an innate, fearful denial, rather than any sort of brutish ignorance.

Whichever way you look at it, to disregard mental health issues as “a phase”, or telling people they just need to “cheer up” or “snap out of it” is a damaging act.

One in four people in the UK will experience problems with their mental health each year. To put that into perspective, that’s roughly around 16 million people. These are real illnesses. Whilst thinking about this I decided to reach out to those suffering.

*Some names have been changed for anonymity.

Debra, 29 – Anxiety

JP: A lot of people struggle to understand mental health, which leads to a lack of empathy, so from your point of view, what was it like to suffer with Anxiety?

Debra: It was stressful, obviously, and I was away from home in a strange environment, because I was at uni. I felt like no one would understand why I didn’t want to go out and why I was on edge all the time. I told a few of my closest friends at uni because I felt like they could protect me. My anxiety caused me to feel like at any moment I could/would die, I was convinced I had some sort of brain tumour. I stopped going out much and struggled in most of my lectures because I didn’t want people to think I was crazy. I’m quite upbeat and happy in day to day life so having the huge fear on top of me was so out of character. I thought I’d lose everyone and disappoint them.

JP: In a society full of stigma surrounding mental health, how would you like to be treated?

Debra: Just be a little patient but don’t treat us like we’re fragile because then we feel more different and more on the outside!

Lewy, 20 – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

JP: A lot of people fail to understand what it’s like to live with a mental health issue, in your own words, how has it been suffering with PTSD?

Lewy: If I’m honest, horrible. It’s been difficult to sleep on my own. I cannot walk upstairs in my house without the feeling of someone following me up and watching me, I have the feeling of someone standing over me when I’m laid in my own bed. I just wish people would stop romanticising it too – there’s nothing interesting about walking into a room with a dead body in it, at all, it’s not pretty and people who post photos of murdered bodies and stuff – I almost always guarantee have never seen one. There’s nothing worse than winding up in one of your best friend’s living rooms standing over the body of someone you used to see walking around.

Ryan, 19 – Depression

JP: Based on your experience, what is it like to live with Depression?

Ryan: The simplest way I can put it is like you’re playing the game of life on expert difficulty mode while you watch everyone else stroll along through easy mode.

JP: If you could address today’s society on the problem of the stigma surrounding mental health, what would you say?

Ryan: To people with mental health issues: don’t be afraid to be vocal about your problems and let others know what you’re going through, it makes things a lot easier for those who don’t have a first hand understanding. To people without: listen and be conscious of people’s illnesses regardless of whether they’re physical or not but also, it’s nice to be treated as a ‘normal’ person too, make us laugh and forget about our troubles.

Beccii, 20 – Borderline Personality Disorder

JP: A lot of people have a hard time understanding what living with a mental health issue is like, in your own words, can you explain what it’s like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Beccii: It’s basically like living on edge constantly. So one minute you can be your happy self and feel wonderful about life, and the next minute it’s like your whole world is falling apart. You become this unhappy person who doesn’t want to see friends or even leave the house. I can spend days in bed refusing to even leave my room. A lot of people judge you and say oh “it’s just a phase” but it’s not. The good days are so rare that when you have them you make the most of them because it could be a while until they happen again. You also become incredibly distant from people so you lose friends from that. Relationships are incredibly hard to have as you can’t be stable enough and you feel as if you’re a burden on that person.

Emily, 20 – Depression, Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder

JP: A lot of the stigma surrounding mental health comes from a lack of understanding. From your point of view, what has it been like to live with these conditions?

Emily: Sometimes it’s really hard as I generally don’t have people I am able to talk too. My social anxiety often plays up so I tend to stay away from some social gatherings – which made my friends distance themselves from me because I wasn’t a party animal anymore. I had abused alcohol in the form of heavy binge drinking, and I often take paracetamol; I don’t know why, but something in my head says it makes me feel better. I’ve had some relationships where my other half hasn’t been very understanding, told me I was a mess or I wasn’t normal at times – some comments hit my confidence really hard.

Now if I really like someone I’m often too scared to pursue it as I’m scared they’ll think I’m a ‘freak’ or that my BPD will make them run a mile. But most of all what makes it really hard to live with my condition is my parent’s old fashioned customs. My dad believes that mental health isn’t a real medical thing, and it was made up to make money or to put people into categories. My father told me everyone feels like this and tomorrow I’ll feel better – it kind of felt like a knife had been put in my back. I’m not religious but I often pray at night that one day I’ll be normal and be able to have a relationship and go out like a normal young adult.

JP: I see. What would you say to those who brush mental health aside?

Emily: Funnily enough, I often talk about mental health, but when I talk about it, I say that people focus on the physical killers like cancer or birth defects – ‘because it’s easier to spot’. But then I ask them, if it was a made-up thing, why is there a mum burying her teenage son? Or why is there a girl walking down the aisle alone because her father couldn’t cope anymore? Most of all I’d ask this – to the politicians, is all the war, resources, deaths and suffering worth the money we are taking away from helping these people?

MJ, 19 – Depression and Anxiety

JP: Given the lack of understanding of mental health in this country, tell me what it’s like to live with these conditions?

MJ: Depression isn’t about feeling sad or feeling low; it comes with other symptoms that just aren’t recognised and can easily be pushed away. Depression doesn’t just give you a demon to tackle, it brings others along with it. You can find yourself sitting staring at a wall, a window, a TV screen without registering what you’re even doing, and hours can fly by. Depression lands you in a confused state in the early hours of the morning. You cry without realising and your whole body feels like a shell. You are detached from your surroundings, and even more scarily, yourself. You cut yourself not because you want to show your pain, but because you feel you deserve it. The fact that society still looks for the stereotypical symptoms, such as sadness or lack of enthusiasm, just means that you feel more repressed in expressing yourself and seeking help, because you’re told to “get on with it”. Anxiety isn’t not being able to do things because you’re scared or worried – it is your body shaking, and I mean literally shaking with adrenaline; forcing your mind into 100mph of thinking.

JP:If you had the chance to speak about mental health stigmatisation in front of the nation, what would you say?

MJ: You don’t call us crazy until we put the word into your mouths – and even then, you turn your back on us and claim to ‘be there’, that is until we shake with fear over walking to a vending machine, or tear at our bodies trying to escape our demons. Our world is on fire, and it is real.

When I appealed for people to talk to me about their mental health issues, I was staggered by the number of responses I started getting – all from people who want the world to understand what they’re going through, and it was incredibly insightful to hear about their experiences. I’m hoping this reaches people who don’t understand mental health, and I sincerely hope it gives them a fresh perspective. Mental illness is real. Stop pretending otherwise. We need to work together to help those suffering with all types of illness, mental or physical.

Need help, there are lots of Charities – get in touch

1Aug

5 Things Consider Getting Relationship

by social@asddlood.com lOVE, news, social health, talk

Love cannot be forced or fast-tracked. Here are some things to consider before jumping into a relationship.

1. The ‘friend zone’ is the best place to be

She needs to be his best ‘boy’ friend and he needs to be her best ‘girl’ friend. What do I mean by that? It’s not a case of letting your partner do what they do and not having a role in it. You need to be best friends, especially if this is the person you’re eventually going to spend the rest of your life with. If your relationship is not based on true friendship it is bound to fizzle out and if anything goes down, your bezzie will have your back. Ride or die style!

2. You need to have the ‘sex factor’

It is detrimental to be in a relationship with somebody you are not physically attracted to. No, it is not conceited; it is being real. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we have the ability to appreciate beauty for a reason. How do you expect to maintain a healthy relationship with someone you don’t want to wake up next to every morning? More than likely you’ll end up either cheating on the person or leaving them when you find someone more attractive and this is not fair on them. Let’s face it, sex is important in a relationship and you can like a person’s personality, but when it comes down to making love you need to be physically attracted to them- either that or the “lights-off” technique will be used a hell of a lot.

3. Tell me something I don’t know!

You need to both be on the same intellectual level. Just as it is important to please the eyes, it is equally important to please and feed the brain. Isn’t it horrible when you find someone you’re really attracted to, but as soon as they open up their mouth to speak it’s like you’re talking to an infant? These days I’ve managed to clock onto how intellectual a person is merely by observing their grammar in text messages. Spellings like ‘ur’, ‘wen’, ‘dis’ and ‘dat’ are all clear indications, to me, that we are not on the same wavelength. Go read a book or something!

4. Oh… a little human… exit stage left…

You need to decide whether people with children are a no-go zone. This would not have been an issue 10 years ago but in this day and age it is becoming almost impossible to find someone without child and let me not get started on virgins. Why is it important to decipher whether you want to go there with someone who is already a parent? Because one day you will have your first child and some people would like to know that their partner is going through that for the first time too so you can both share that first time experience together. I myself have a half brother and sister and a full brother and although I am close to my older siblings there is a special bond between my younger brother and me. When I eventually have children of my own I want them to have that same experience.

There are obvious exceptions to the rule such as if their partner died, if they were raped or if you can’t have children yourself. But it is a rule that needs to be thought about. Basically, have kids responsibly cause not every person out there wants to be a stepparent, and it’s not always fair to expect them to be.

5. I believe in miracles. Do you in 2026?

The two of you need to connect on a spiritual level. Whether you’re both atheists or Christians or whatever. You both need to be on the same wavelength and preferably of the same understanding. If you’re not, there will be a lot of conflict throughout your relationship because you believe in different things.

I do not for one second believe that relationships are all about compromise. I believe that each and every person on this planet potentially has a soul mate, destined for them, who stimulates their mind, body, and soul, and who shares ambitions that support theirs; when the time is right, they will be brought together. The moment compromise becomes the key aspect of a relationship is the moment both parties have settled and have potentially lost out on the person destined for them. These are not the words of a 21-year-old female who has watched one too many rom-coms. These are the words of a female who has learnt that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all and is in therefore no rush to compromise.

Interested and want to read more?

9Jun

I Love Women, YOU Love Women

by social@asddlood.com London, lOVE, relationships, social health

I had the privilege of attending a Catholic all-girls secondary school for seven years, and besides a love for science and a strong sense of discipline, the most valuable thing I walked away with was an undeniable, universal love for women.

I spent hours upon days upon months upon years, in an environment where not only were my companions female but also the majority of my teachers, the auxiliary staff and the administration! We even had a convent on the school grounds.

Being exposed to essentially only women from ages 11 – 18 has resulted in an inexplicable need to connect with the women in my life. I think the insular nature of secondary school and the fact that we were all discovering ourselves and the world at the same time led to a bond being forged that honestly I don’t think boys understand, and frankly can’t replicate. Though, in my opinion, it’s not their fault! Boys are taught that it is not acceptable to cry unless you have lost a limb, or perhaps your nan or mum, while we girls are given attention and sympathy the moment we begin to tear up. Now that is a whole other story.

Think about your closest group of girl friends, how you relate to each other and rely on each other for almost everything. Go ahead and scroll through your phone, take note of the amount of pictures you have of your nights out, the group messages you are a part of that consist of two to four of your nearest and dearest, the screen shots in your gallery of messages boys (or girls) have sent you that you have forwarded to a friend for the their opinion or a laugh, recall those moments you popped round to theirs to share a bottle of wine or because you didn’t want to be alone after a break up, or it was Valentine’s Day and you both committed to spend it together.

See what I mean?

Women are encouraged to share our experiences (‘Did you get your period this month? I think mine is late’).

To have each other’s back no matter what (‘That’s Stephen’s new bird’ ‘I already hate her’ ‘No, it’s fine you don’t have to’ ‘You sure?’ lol).

Uplift each other (‘Do you think I’m fat?’ ‘Are you kidding me? I would KILL to look like you’ ‘Shut up, you’re perfect’).

And because of this never-ending sequence of love and support and commitment, we become closer and closer, forming our own little society. I can honestly say that without my closest friends my life would be decidedly less fulfilling. I don’t know how it is for the lads, but I feel like my girls are reflections of who I think I am and what I’d like to be. I have to admit that I am that friend who is like the mum, and because of that, my best girls are a little crazy and out there; they party hard, travel often, snog lots of boys and have an intense zest for life. If I were left to my own devices I’d be on the floor of my flat almost every Friday night reading or watching Netflix.

Fortunately, I have these women who encourage me to put on makeup, go out, have a few pints, talk to boys and embrace the beauty and spontaneity of life. I like to think that I play a symmetrical role in their lives, offering advice, quiet nights in after too many parties, and homemade sausage rolls while we watch movies. We provide balance and inspire all the aspects of a woman: the mum, the wild child, the introvert, the extrovert, the badass, the seductress, the academic and so much more.

Now I know that there are girls out there who say that they aren’t a ‘girls’ girl’ and this honestly makes me sad, because female friendship is rewarding and empowering. There is simply nothing like it. I don’t think male/female friendships can offer the same type of satisfaction.

Life is difficult. It’s even harder for women. From unequal pay to the physical/sexual/verbal abuse faced by many of our sisters around the world, politicians telling us what rights we do and do not have regarding our bodies, the institutional ‘boys’ club’ in many professional areas (engineering, architecture, finance, science, politics…) and the media constantly barraging us with images of what we should look like, sound like, and act like – it is absolutely imperative to lean on each other.

Go ahead and tell your girls that you love them, plan a dinner, a Skype call, or just go to their flat and dance around to music you haven’t listened to since you were 13. We are going to be bombarded with so much in the next dozen years: heartbreak, children, weddings, husbands, ex-husbands, job loss, migration, funerals, infidelity, sickness, and financial struggles. It is going to be difficult – there is absolutely no doubt in that – and we are going to need each other through all of it. Hold on to your girlfriends and walk through life knowing that you have not only your strength to count on, but that of others to carry you through.

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