Category mental health

Put simply, yes. Of course, the unfortunate reality is that a person can’t avoid every single trigger that they might have all of the time – especially if it is an everyday kind of thing. I, for example, used to be triggered by certain songs (and still am to some extent) if I related them to a bad experience or feeling, but I can’t exactly demand that every radio station stops playing them.

Depending on the situation, I think that it is important for people to build up some sort of resistance to triggers, through methods such as counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). This will help them to process traumatic experiences and learn techniques for coping with distressing subject matter so that they can live their everyday life without being held back by fear.

Whilst it is definitely worth considering that people should seek help with coping with a mental illness or the after-effects of trauma, trigger warnings are absolutely still necessary. For someone who is in recovery, no matter at what stage in the process they are at, triggers still have the power to affect them in a very negative way. On bad days when living itself is difficult, coming across a trigger could push someone over the edge and put back their recovery. Being reminded of the bad things in the world is the exact opposite of what is needed for someone who is recovering from trauma, and can only end in a depressed and/or anxious mindset.

The wonderful things in the world are the way forward, and there are plenty of them to help you with recovering, just make sure to look out for them.

Do you agree? Drop a comment below to let us know.

Toxic relationships are like a virus. Once infected, you become sicker and sicker until you are prescribed a cure. Usually that prescription is to leave the relationship behind.

A friend of mine described a toxic relationship like that scene in Alien where the guy doesn’t realise he’s carrying a parasite, starts feeling unwell and then BOOM!, an alien baby pops out of his stomach. Ideally, we’d like to avoid that unpleasant sensation, and I think in order to do that, we need to have open and honest conversations about what constitutes a toxic relationship and what the warning signs are. More.

Toxic relationships don’t only exist between romantic partners; they can also be between friends, parents and children, and pretty much any other type of close or dependent relationship. The thing about toxic relationships is that they become vicious cycles. When one person starts displaying toxic behaviours, it tends to lead the other party to display toxic behaviours of their own until neither one is happy with themselves or happy in the relationship. Toxic relationships can be emotionally abusive when one person wants power over the other. There are different forms of these types of relationships, but here are a couple of behaviours to look out for:

1. Purposely making the other person jealous

When someone in the relationship consciously takes action to make their partner jealous. This could be by flirting with other people, or worse, actually cheating to get attention from them – it creates a really unhealthy atmosphere. An individual shouldn’t want attention from their partner because of a negative emotion. In a healthy relationship there is trust, and each person lifts the other up.

2. Putting down the other person’s friends and family

This type of behaviour is often used when someone is trying to isolate a person in order to be the only one they depend on.

3. Body shaming

It’s unhealthy to remain in any type of relationship with someone who is always making negative comments about your body or making you feel bad about yourself in any way. Friendships and relationships should help to cure, not increase, insecurities.

4. Holding the relationship hostage

Threatening to leave the relationship in order to win an argument or disagreement takes value away from the relationship and the person in it. For example “You have to pick between me and football”, is not productive and not a way to maintain a healthy relationship.

5. Using gifts as a way to “fix” issues

Instead of communicating about a problem, in a toxic relationship, someone may use gifts and dates as a way to create a happier atmosphere, but it’s really only a Band-aid and the good feelings are only temporary. Eventually, it just makes the problems worse.

6. Constantly splitting up and getting back together or having big fights followed by grand apologies

On-and-off again relationships that repeat these same patterns are a dangerous and emotional roller coaster for the people involved.

7. Shutting the other person out/the silent treatment

Behaviour like this is isolating one person and creates unnecessary tension in the relationship.

8. Ignoring the big differences in what you both want from the relationship

For example, if one person wants commitment and titles and the other person does not, they are going to bury their frustrated, hurt, jealous feelings until they burst (that’s when the Alien scene happens).

9. Consciously inducing guilt onto the other person

Similar to purposely making a partner jealous, purposely making them feel guilty about things that they shouldn’t have to is controlling and manipulative.

10. Creating a dynamic where one person’s interests/accomplishments/plans are more important

There shouldn’t be a hierarchy in adult relationships; each person should respect the others equally, ensuring that no one person’s needs eclipse the others’.

When researching and preparing for this piece, I began to realise that I myself have been guilty of some of these toxic behaviours and have also been victim to them. Some of the behaviours are deal breakers, but others can be faced head on and dealt with as part of a healthy relationship.

Generally speaking, toxic behaviour encompasses more than just one of these points. It’s important to note that displaying these behaviours in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it just means the relationship needs to be reevaluated and, possibly, to be stepped away from.

Mental health, those two words, carry so much power and yet are so chronically brushed aside by those of us who have never suffered with mental health issues. They carry power for a reason – our entire lives, all our memories, emotions, physical and cognitive abilities are stored up there, within that grey matter resting inside our skulls. To even indulge the thought of conditions impairing these things is undeniably terrifying. Perhaps this is why there’s a lack of understanding and empathy when it comes to mental health, maybe it stems from an innate, fearful denial, rather than any sort of brutish ignorance.

Whichever way you look at it, to disregard mental health issues as “a phase”, or telling people they just need to “cheer up” or “snap out of it” is a damaging act.

One in four people in the UK will experience problems with their mental health each year. To put that into perspective, that’s roughly around 16 million people. These are real illnesses. Whilst thinking about this I decided to reach out to those suffering.

*Some names have been changed for anonymity.

Debra, 29 – Anxiety

JP: A lot of people struggle to understand mental health, which leads to a lack of empathy, so from your point of view, what was it like to suffer with Anxiety?

Debra: It was stressful, obviously, and I was away from home in a strange environment, because I was at uni. I felt like no one would understand why I didn’t want to go out and why I was on edge all the time. I told a few of my closest friends at uni because I felt like they could protect me. My anxiety caused me to feel like at any moment I could/would die, I was convinced I had some sort of brain tumour. I stopped going out much and struggled in most of my lectures because I didn’t want people to think I was crazy. I’m quite upbeat and happy in day to day life so having the huge fear on top of me was so out of character. I thought I’d lose everyone and disappoint them.

JP: In a society full of stigma surrounding mental health, how would you like to be treated?

Debra: Just be a little patient but don’t treat us like we’re fragile because then we feel more different and more on the outside!

Lewy, 20 – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

JP: A lot of people fail to understand what it’s like to live with a mental health issue, in your own words, how has it been suffering with PTSD?

Lewy: If I’m honest, horrible. It’s been difficult to sleep on my own. I cannot walk upstairs in my house without the feeling of someone following me up and watching me, I have the feeling of someone standing over me when I’m laid in my own bed. I just wish people would stop romanticising it too – there’s nothing interesting about walking into a room with a dead body in it, at all, it’s not pretty and people who post photos of murdered bodies and stuff – I almost always guarantee have never seen one. There’s nothing worse than winding up in one of your best friend’s living rooms standing over the body of someone you used to see walking around.

Ryan, 19 – Depression

JP: Based on your experience, what is it like to live with Depression?

Ryan: The simplest way I can put it is like you’re playing the game of life on expert difficulty mode while you watch everyone else stroll along through easy mode.

JP: If you could address today’s society on the problem of the stigma surrounding mental health, what would you say?

Ryan: To people with mental health issues: don’t be afraid to be vocal about your problems and let others know what you’re going through, it makes things a lot easier for those who don’t have a first hand understanding. To people without: listen and be conscious of people’s illnesses regardless of whether they’re physical or not but also, it’s nice to be treated as a ‘normal’ person too, make us laugh and forget about our troubles.

Beccii, 20 – Borderline Personality Disorder

JP: A lot of people have a hard time understanding what living with a mental health issue is like, in your own words, can you explain what it’s like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Beccii: It’s basically like living on edge constantly. So one minute you can be your happy self and feel wonderful about life, and the next minute it’s like your whole world is falling apart. You become this unhappy person who doesn’t want to see friends or even leave the house. I can spend days in bed refusing to even leave my room. A lot of people judge you and say oh “it’s just a phase” but it’s not. The good days are so rare that when you have them you make the most of them because it could be a while until they happen again. You also become incredibly distant from people so you lose friends from that. Relationships are incredibly hard to have as you can’t be stable enough and you feel as if you’re a burden on that person.

Emily, 20 – Depression, Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder

JP: A lot of the stigma surrounding mental health comes from a lack of understanding. From your point of view, what has it been like to live with these conditions?

Emily: Sometimes it’s really hard as I generally don’t have people I am able to talk too. My social anxiety often plays up so I tend to stay away from some social gatherings – which made my friends distance themselves from me because I wasn’t a party animal anymore. I had abused alcohol in the form of heavy binge drinking, and I often take paracetamol; I don’t know why, but something in my head says it makes me feel better. I’ve had some relationships where my other half hasn’t been very understanding, told me I was a mess or I wasn’t normal at times – some comments hit my confidence really hard.

Now if I really like someone I’m often too scared to pursue it as I’m scared they’ll think I’m a ‘freak’ or that my BPD will make them run a mile. But most of all what makes it really hard to live with my condition is my parent’s old fashioned customs. My dad believes that mental health isn’t a real medical thing, and it was made up to make money or to put people into categories. My father told me everyone feels like this and tomorrow I’ll feel better – it kind of felt like a knife had been put in my back. I’m not religious but I often pray at night that one day I’ll be normal and be able to have a relationship and go out like a normal young adult.

JP: I see. What would you say to those who brush mental health aside?

Emily: Funnily enough, I often talk about mental health, but when I talk about it, I say that people focus on the physical killers like cancer or birth defects – ‘because it’s easier to spot’. But then I ask them, if it was a made-up thing, why is there a mum burying her teenage son? Or why is there a girl walking down the aisle alone because her father couldn’t cope anymore? Most of all I’d ask this – to the politicians, is all the war, resources, deaths and suffering worth the money we are taking away from helping these people?

MJ, 19 – Depression and Anxiety

JP: Given the lack of understanding of mental health in this country, tell me what it’s like to live with these conditions?

MJ: Depression isn’t about feeling sad or feeling low; it comes with other symptoms that just aren’t recognised and can easily be pushed away. Depression doesn’t just give you a demon to tackle, it brings others along with it. You can find yourself sitting staring at a wall, a window, a TV screen without registering what you’re even doing, and hours can fly by. Depression lands you in a confused state in the early hours of the morning. You cry without realising and your whole body feels like a shell. You are detached from your surroundings, and even more scarily, yourself. You cut yourself not because you want to show your pain, but because you feel you deserve it. The fact that society still looks for the stereotypical symptoms, such as sadness or lack of enthusiasm, just means that you feel more repressed in expressing yourself and seeking help, because you’re told to “get on with it”. Anxiety isn’t not being able to do things because you’re scared or worried – it is your body shaking, and I mean literally shaking with adrenaline; forcing your mind into 100mph of thinking.

JP:If you had the chance to speak about mental health stigmatisation in front of the nation, what would you say?

MJ: You don’t call us crazy until we put the word into your mouths – and even then, you turn your back on us and claim to ‘be there’, that is until we shake with fear over walking to a vending machine, or tear at our bodies trying to escape our demons. Our world is on fire, and it is real.

When I appealed for people to talk to me about their mental health issues, I was staggered by the number of responses I started getting – all from people who want the world to understand what they’re going through, and it was incredibly insightful to hear about their experiences. I’m hoping this reaches people who don’t understand mental health, and I sincerely hope it gives them a fresh perspective. Mental illness is real. Stop pretending otherwise. We need to work together to help those suffering with all types of illness, mental or physical.

Need help, there are lots of Charities – get in touch

1. Mind
2. Mental Health Foundation
3. SANE
4. Rethink Mental Illness
5. YoungMinds
6. Anxiety UK
7. Bipolar UK
8. CALM
9. Samaritans
10. Mental Health Matters
11. OCD Action
12. OCD-UK
13. No Panic
14. Beat
15. PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide
16. Place2Be
17. Student Minds
18. The Mix
19. Hub of Hope / Chasing the Stigma
20. MQ Mental Health Research

It seems like it was always at night when my parents fought, probably to spare their only child the sharpness of their words to one another. However, even as a young girl, I was very perceptive and could tell when the volcano was ready to erupt. Mum and Dad would say prayers with me and tuck me in with the same half-hearted smiles they feigned during Sunday morning church. I was supposed to be sleeping but would tiptoe to the end of the long hallway that led from my room to the kitchen. As I crouched down to hide by the oven to remain unseen, I held my only source of comfort – a stuffed bunny named BunBun.

I’m still not sure why I so desperately wanted to hear what they were arguing about THIS time, but I think I came to the conclusion that it was weak attempt to extract knowledge, to be left in the loop.

On an average day, walking around my house wasn’t necessarily eggshell-like circumstances, but more of a landmine – one misstep and the grenade exploded. My father would come home from work and sit in his recliner, eat dinner, then retire to their bedroom. These phases would last for months and then cycle through times of manic happiness. The silence was deafening and I never knew what mood he would come home in or when something I said would set him off. Since my father is a registered psych nurse, he often turned to self-medication and refused to admit he needed help to feel normal, a struggle I myself battle with to this day. Despite my father’s second-generation bipolar disorder diagnosis, there was never a doubt of how much he loved me (and still loves me). Even then I somehow related to him, an understanding my very black-and-white logical mother would never grasp. I understood him because he and I are alike. We both live down the same strange rabbit hole of mental illness and because of this, building relationships from childhood would prove to be tumultuous and confusing.

My parents divorced when I was in junior high once my mother could not try to understand him any longer. I didn’t know how to react and most of my friends were well off and still lived in their perfectly placed nuclear homes. Over time, things became easier. Both of my parents remarried over the next few years and I myself began dating.

It was then when I truly realized how sick I was. I sabotaged relationships and created chaos because I thought that’s what love was. That was what love looked like to me. I would explode much like my father. My heart would tell me everything was fine, but my head created scenario after scenario that never and would never come to fruition. I became paranoid and erratic and labeled that “crazy chick” you overhear during bro conversations at a bar. I didn’t want to be her anymore. I was sick of her and, if I was sick of her, I knew everyone else around me must be also. I was spiraling out of control and knew I needed help. I knew I had a mental illness that could not be ignored any longer.

At age 18, remember sitting in Stephenville, Texas at a Chili’s Bar and Grill across from my characteristically stoic mother when I broke down into tears and told her I thought I needed help. I was dating my then boyfriend at the time, now my husband, and I refused to allow he or our future children to live in the same atmosphere I did. She calmly said, “I’ve been waiting for you to tell me this.” I guess everyone saw it but me. I immediately felt my face flush with anxiety and embarrassment. Sometimes our qualities we try so hard to hide are the very same ones which are the most obvious.

On July 7, 2007, I married the man who I half jokingly say “puts up with me.” Only it’s not even half a joke; it’s not a joke at all. He is even-keeled daily and is the kindest most patient man I know. That makes our marriage much easier. Instead of calling me crazy or telling me to chill out, he hugs me tighter and understands that there is an element of the illness that I truly cannot control. I stress and worry constantly that he’s going to wake up one day and realise what he signed up for and leave. When I have these irrational fears, he calms me instead of insulting me. And while yes, he is an amazing husband and father to our two beautiful children, one thing that needs to be understood is that, even in long-term relationships, YOU are the only one who can pull yourself out of the chasm of depression.

Our marriage is full of good days and bad days, like any other couple. The key is for us to be constantly aware that there is a giant elephant in the room (one that often needs a stout dose of tranquilizer). Seek a partner who supports you and doesn’t dismiss you. Pray. Daily. Pray for understanding from not only your significant other but for yourself. And last but not least, I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT ever sweep mental illness under the rug. That is where it goes to fester and grow into a parasite that can easily kill a marriage. Talk about where you are emotionally every day. Do it so much that it becomes habit. Being invariably aware of your thoughts and emotions each day fosters a feeling of normalcy. Over the last 9 years with my husband, communication has been the most important offering of respect we grant each other. Don’t hold things in when you’re upset. Let them out in a productive way that opens a healthy dialogue.

I feel like I’m married to both my husband and my mental illness, only the oath that the chemical imbalance has taken with my body can never be broken. The cliché “the first step is admitting you have a problem” is equal parts trite and unequivocally true. I wake up every morning next to my husband and to my inner struggle. Both are work but I have to be the one to put forth the effort. My husband convinced me that taking medicine is OKAY. It is. It doesn’t make me weird or abnormal or anything negative; if anything it gives me a chance at the abundant life I’ve so graciously been given. People may not understand it, but there is truth to the adage “better living through chemistry”.